the tension between these two band members: Rivers Cuomo (back) and Moustache (center) is clearly visible in this press picture taken in september 2008.
Weezer fans were shocked this week when it was announced on the band’s website that Rivers Cuomo’s moustache had quit the band citing “creative differences.” Cuomo’s moustache joined the group back in early 2008 for the cover of the 6th studio cd, the Red Album, and received enthusiastic praise from nerdy rock fans throughout the country. As time passed, however, the novelty of this new member wore off, leaving the moustache feeling bitter and underappreciated.
In a recent press conference, the visibly distraught moustache said, “It’s like Rivers [Cuomo] only brought me into the group as some sort of freak act…we’ll [expletive] him with his silly glasses and his bad breathe…I’m done….oh and he once painted me gray just so he could see “what it would look like to be old”….he’s a sick man… No questions.”
The Moustache says its taking time off from the music business to be with its family indefinitely. As it left the press conference it tearfully said, ”People these days just don’t understand what my kind has been through…My parent’s grew up in a time when it meant something to be a moustache…but nowadays it seems like we’re the midget [little person] of the facial hair world.” He added “oh and that pork and beans song…I could have written that piece of shit… and I’m a moustache.”
Tim Hayman may look like a normal 23 year old, but you would never suspect that this grinning college dropout was born without a personality. For years Tim struggled with his personality deficiency, never having anything intriguing to add to a conversation, that is, until now. After years of researching a handful of mediocre comedy movies in his parent’s basement, Tim has manufactured one of the most lifelike artificial personalities known to date. This artificial personality runs predominantly on a mixture of recycled Will Ferell and Adam Sandler quotes which when combined give the illusion of a humorous and playful personality.
- This above diagram shows how when confronted with a question the artificial personality subject (right) answers not with a logical response, but instead uses a famous line from the 2004 Will Ferell movie “Anchorman,”which is guaranteed to get a laugh most of the time.
This new technology mimics the conversation patterns of a normal interesting human with a tool called the “awkward silence diffuser.” This device registers awkward periods of silence and automatically tells the subjects brain to release one of thousands of mildly amusing movie quotes, which leave friends amused for up to a minute, at which point another unrelated quote will be uttered. While the technology is not without flaws it has made one dull man very happy. When Tim was asked how his invention had saved his life he proudly said “My name-a Borat. I like you. I like sex. Is nice!”
Unfortunately the interview ended quite abruptly when Mr. Hayman became distracted and launched into a tirade of quotes which one BUnicorn intern referred to as “the most hilarious 112 minutes of my life…I mean sure i could rent “Superbad,” but this guy just retells the entire movie with such better delivery.”
On Thursday Boston University Buildings and Grounds confirmed an infestation of ghosts in one of the university’s predominantly freshmen dormitories,Warren Towers. The discovery was made weeks after receiving multiple complaints from freshmen living on the floor. Unfortunately all freshmen residents were too busy facebook friending everyone they had met during the day to comment, but through some fortuitous, almost unbelievable way, we were able to get reactions from one of the ghosts who inhabits the floor.
When asked how and why he came to haunt a freshmen dormitory Jerry, a well mannered, transparent ghost of almost 223 years, became enraged and went on a rant that lasted nearly forty five minutes, of which only a handful of quotes were both coherent and suitable enough to be used.
“Never mind questions like that. How the hell should I know how I came to haunt this crappy place… I’m guessing they probably built this dormitory over my grave or something…I dunno…all i have to say is these goddamn kids need to shut up…I mean seriously I always said I would sleep when I’m dead…but now I’m dead and I haven’t had a good nights sleep in about 40 years. I just lie awake listening to snot nose freshmen hanging around their common room talking about how much they love their mac, and how shocked they are at how everyone says water, and dog, and Mario….just give it a rest…its really not that interesting…try tanning animal pelts in the cold winter and fighting the fucking redcoats….now that’s interesting…but I digress.”
Building and Grounds say they would like to fix the problem but they have a lot of shit to do.
Note to Readers: Jerry also made it very clear to us that he strongly disagrees with the media depiction of the ghost community and urges readers to openly boycott movies which depict ghosts in unfair light. During the interview he listed about 20 movies which he said “set back the ghost community hundreds of years” including Ghost Busters, Ghost, and Casper. When asked how he felt about the 1990 Bill Cosby movie “Ghost Dad” he cheerfully replied “Oh no I fuckin’ love that movie.”
Allston, MA- Cheryl Robbins, 20, a Boston University College of Communications Photo Journalism student, recently revealed her newest tactic aimed at maintaining originality within the hipster community–ironical dating. She unenthusiastically describes the plan as “finding a guy that you would least likely associate with hipsterdom –I found Brian who was so far removed from the hipster scene..he thought Tegan and Sarah* was a morning talk show.”
When asked how the relationship was going, Cheryl’s boyfriend of three weeks, Brian hesistantly responded, “things are pretty good… except sometimes when I’m dragged to parties her friends like to sarcastically ask me what I know about college basketball. When I tell them what I know, what teams I like, and who I expect to be in March Madness they laugh at me…alot….i still can’t tell whether her friends like me or not.”
Cheryl responded by drinking a 40 of private stock and buying a pair of loafers.
*if you do not get this reference congratulations, you’re not a hipster.
Editors Note: Please be aware that due to the volatility of the Hipster community, by the time this story was published this trend was, according to many, considered “totally gay”.
Note from the editor: Just a little background information: Boston University’s football program was cancelled in 1997. Scott Papadopoulos, a typical BU freshman specimen, muses on what it would be like to bring back the days of Boston U football.
Can you imagine what it would be like if Boston University had a football team still? Bro, that would be sweet, you have no idea. My fantasy goes a little something like this…
I make my way over to the ‘Terrier Tailgate’ on Babcock Street and shotgun four Natty Lights with my bros from my floor before stumbling over to Nickerson Field. Everyone we pass comments on how cool my bros look in their matching Ed Hardy shirts. My french fry costume keeps getting caught under my feet and I fall several times, leaving my knees and elbows bloody, but no less excited to see BU totally kick some ass…woooooohh…Everyone can’t wait to see me when I get to the stands dressed in my clever and hilarious costume…Don’t you get it? It makes no sense…. it doesn’t have to do with football.. or even BU…I mean sure its annoying to have to wear this foam rubber costume and sweat my balls off at every single game and not be able to put it on my resume like that smug Rhett mascot… but the ladies love a guy with a sense of humor…It’s kinda like that Dane Cook bit where he’s like….umm…he’s like…ugggh…oh i forget how it goes but hes awesome….
After we win the game I go back to my dorm and start a facebook fan group devoted to the team to show how much I love them and when people look at their inbox and see the message “Scott Papadopoulos invited you to the group “I love BU fotball” they will overlook the unfortunate typo and know that I, Scott Papadopoulos, am the ultimate BU Football fan..and a pretty cool guy that they’d maybe like to be friends with…who knows.
You may be thinking, Scott, at what point in your fantasy do you get laid by tons of BU hotties?…but despite gaining popularity within my circle of BU Football fans, it leads to very little action with the ladies because I stupidly overlook the fact that all the girls who have too much self respect to try to have sex with BU hockey players, don’t quite have enough self respect to not try to bone the BU football team……wait a second… this is my fantasy why can’t things work out for me for once?…………eh screw this i’m gonna go google image search “boobs”.
Class of 2012